day 3.
09 May 2012 Leave a Comment
I’m not having the most relaxing internship, which is an understatement to say that I have been on edge for three days in a row and beating myself up about all my inadequacies for three days in a row. In many respects, this internship is different from all the others I’ve done. It is in a small firm with no massive library, there are no other interns against which I can gauge my performance, etc. Importantly, it is the internship that perhaps matters the least – after all, I already have a training contract at some other firm. So the pressure to do well shouldn’t be that great – it should be, relatively, relaxing.
Alas, it is not. I haven’t heard a single word of praise – and because I am an approval-whore (okay that sounds so skanky – just know that I crave approval, so that it upsets me even when somebody I hate anyway hates me back) my self-esteem is taking a hit. All I’ve been getting…is corrected. And bombarded with case names which I know I should know from my Year One days…but which I have absolutely forgotten. I’d like you to know that closed book exams do diddly squat for your memory – I can remember Contract law no better than I can any other subject. So I don’t really know why they had to subject us to the terror of memorizing hundreds of case. I’m guessing it was just a sadistic sport for bored professors. Like, what is the rule in Saunders v Vautier? What did Stiletto v. Interfoto stand for? I’ll be damned if I know – if you had asked me three days after the exam, I couldn’t have given you a coherent answer. And those were from one, two years ago.
Which isn’t to say that I’m incompetent! I really don’t think I am! Just, maybe, my memory is not that great? I can’t tell you on the spot but a small hint or a super-quick nanosecond glance at the case summary and I will know!!!
…Or maybe I am! (Incompetent) You see, my self confidence has been totally crushed. Whatever my final impressions of my stint here are at the end of it all, I will surely remember it to be one of the more humbling experiences in my life. Ha.
I don’t know what it is! Maybe it’s because they haven’t been taking in interns and so there is no frame of reference as to what I should or should not know? Or maybe they have some bizarre expectations out of looking at my portfolio (and this sounds like a humble brag – but when you consider how I do not think my resume properly representative of me, you will see that actually, I am not bragging but being low-self-confidence. hahaha) (Obviously, I don’t write in my c.v. that in America, 90% of the class will get a minimum B??!) Or maybe it’s just my mentor being too absorbed and excited in a bluster of genius to go around babying me and expecting to explain things from scratch.
If it is the latter, then I’m super glad that my family lawyer (yes, gasp, I am interning for a family friend/lawyer) is crazy genius and all. 
Oh, speaking of…I can think of one more reason why the pressure is super great here. I feel like, because he is the close friend of my judgy aunt, he is secretly spying on me for her and I need to get him to make a favourable report. Hahaha I don’t know why I am so afflicted by the need for her favour (in particular, above and beyond the approval I generally need from random people in my life) – she can be soul crushing. But when she impliedly said I should have cried over my A Level grades…I very nearly did. FML, I’m a basket case.
But I’m not…whining! I’m, in a strange way, grateful for the fight. Once in a while, I think it’s good that my fire for self-improvement is set alight. (hahaha, more cheese, next I will be writing Adam Khoo books for the unmotivated).
*Also, Law Firms really need to start putting Tey Tsun Hang’s Equity textbook in their libraries. (even if it is 90% rubbish amateurishly copy-pasted from LawNet by some sad law student) I keep having to lug it to work and it’s damn heavy!!!
rants.
09 May 2012 Leave a Comment
End of a harsh day of work, and I am insane bundle of irritability.
Everything is annoying and idiotic and damnable.
First, there is stupid hipster’s pretentious tweet of the day – okay, wow, you are in an existential crisis for the fifth consecutive day and under your masquerade of plastic optimism, the ignorant plebians are blithely ignoring your pleas for your individuality to be recognized and the devastation of your days. *Blah blah blah, bombastic words, Coelho quote, Arabian proverb, Cobain lyric, Zoey Deschanel is a Goddess, fuckity fuck* – doYOU even understand yourself?! Okay, whatever, you are literate and literary – wow, hats off. Please teach me the poetry of the universe.
Second, there is the stupid public transport system… There is always the stupid public transport system – but every once in awhile, when I am feeling in a PMS-y enough mood, I like to take it out for a good bashing. And from there, my thoughts turn to the fuckheads who are either living in denial or secretly planted in my life by the PAP to make me feel better about trying to get to work but missing two buses in a row and then having to stand skin against skin in the train like a vacuum-packed sardine in a can of other vacuum-packed sardines. And of course, this is Singapore and always 71 degrees so everybody has BO and the train smells like Satan took a giant fart. Or maybe heshartedbecause some people are so soggy.
I mean, what exactly is the point of all these shit-headed comparisons with other nations facing similar problems? And for every first world nation having a field day trying to cope with an overburdened transport system, there is another faring much better. Don’t see us being compared to those countries. But really, that’s besides the point – how is knowing that some Indian office lady is being shoved into a train before the doors close; and that some Australian student is going to be thirty minutes late again because of a train delay supposed to be make me joyous aboutmissing my fucking bus three times in a row???I AM STILL MISSING THE BUS AND I AM STILL GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK AGAIN!!! ARRRGHHH!!!
Also, here’s why we have less reason to suck than every other country okay?! (1) We are rich; (2) We are small; (3) Our trains are fucking new compared to say, the New York subway; (4) We don’t have to deal with tracks warping in the summer and freezing over in the winter AND WE GIVE UP A LOT OF FREEDOMS TO BE RULED BY TECHNOCRATS WHO REALLY SHOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT URBAN PLANNING OKAY!!! (I’ll be the first to say, I can stomach a lot of human rights misses to have a comfortable life – but where is my comfortable life?!!!)
THIRD, (and I might regret saying this one day) I actually have very little respect for people who constantly whine about being a lawyer or a law student. Like, you know, the ones who talk like sages wise with experience and warning the “young ones” to “run, run, as fast as [they] can before its too late” whenever said young ones (pre-law students, for example) start their internships or say they are considering a career in law or whatever.
Well, you know what, I think people really just do it out of an inflated sense of self-importance – the implication of “poor me, I sleep 3 hours” being like, “oh look at me, I am sooo economically valuable that the whole institution of justice will crumble if I don’t churn out incisive research on time.” I don’t actually think they are that miserable at all. So it’s all a bunch of hooey to say – look, I am so world weary and sophisticated – you with all your boundless enthusiasm are so green.
But look, if being a lawyer or a law student is sooo daaamn fuckinggg miserable…have the guts to quit! Because actually, if you aren’t there to churn out that memo, some other person who has intellectual curiosity and who appreciates challenge and who has a sense of personal pride will. And there’s nothing less admirable than a person too cowardly to make a meaningful life for him or herself. Sometimes, once in awhile, I meet the precious few people who are excited and emotionally invested in what they are doing – and it’s so…inspiring. It really is. Few things are more uplifting than seeing somebody in a happy struggle for something they believe in. (whoa, cheeeeesy!)
Really, there’s nothing cool about this studied boredom and the cynicism with the world. And I’m saying this as a reminder to myself as well – because I know there will be days when I feel like I am a zombie with the most horrible job in the world. I hope I won’t ever repeat the words “run, run, as fast as you can” like some stupid drone to spineless to act on my own advice. I hope I’ll only ever be stressed out in a good kind of way – stressed out enough to feel the sense of triumph and fulfilment afterward. And if one day, I really can’t stand the thought of lawyering, please let me find the strength to leave and not wither away dispensing useless words to dampen the spirits of the people who are doing what they like.
Ah, okay. End of rant.
the holidays.
27 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
The holidays have arrived! And I am absolutely thrilled.
As usual, I feel too… war-weary to go out and properly celebrate the end of my exams so here I am, typing away to a fast-diminishing audience. Oh, the things I could be doing. But my right arm is aching from three consecutive days of writing, and inside, I feel about ninety years old. I just wanted to stay at home, watch the new Jeannette Aw vehicle on Channel 8 and…well, I suppose I really wanted to spend the afternoon lounging on a pool float and drifting on the water but it was about 100 degrees outside today so I didn’t. The point is though, I am now doing nothing of significance and feeling so deeply contented. Still, I start work in about 10 days so I’d better get planning so that I don’t lose my precious week and a half of holiday!
(1) Dustin Hoffman Movie Marathon!
Odd, I know. But he was such a fantastic actor before he went and did that stupid Meet the Parents/Fockers movie. The only problem now, is that he’s done such a great range of movies – including the only X-rated film to ever win an award for Best Picture – that I really don’t know if I have the stomach for everything, ha ha.
(2) Visit to the Zoo!
I think this has been on three separate to-do lists already, which gives an indication of just what a procrastinating slob I am. But this requires some co-ordination of schedules, so I won’t be too hard on myself. (Although, I also keep waiting on a day the weather turns miraculously cool – so I guess I’ve to have a bit of blame for that delusion).
(3) Avengers! (and before that, “The Incredible Hulk” and “Iron Man 2″!)
(4) Catch up with F!
(5) Finish the Hunger Games trilogy!
and…and…I’ll think of the rest later. 
reasons why.
04 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
So, I was lunching alone today and minding my own business, when the lady seated at the other end of the table decided to preach at me about Jesus because she noticed that I hadn’t said grace before eating. And she was all, “I’ve fallen down seven times already, but look, God has protected me and I’m perfectly healthy at the age of 72.” And that really ticked me off because obviously, while God was busy protecting people’s ankles or whatever, he didn’t protect my dad.
And I know that I don’t talk about it much. And most of the time, it’s like nothing bad ever really happened in my family. And the truth is, I honestly don’t brood about it that much. And in the midst of just…living, it really is too easy to sometimes just completely put him out of my mind altogether. Sometimes, I forget that he’s still alive and cooped up in that miserable home that’s too far away and smells like pee.
But it’s all there, always. Always on some subconscious level, beneath the thoughts of school and of frivolous things like holidays and TV shows. Always, that anger. Always, that rage. Always, that fury. I’m pissed off and I’ll be damned if I let myself forget. He’s always been one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. Everybody who knew him, loved him. And now, he’s just…gone.
And I know I try not to let things affect me; try not to let these… horrors become an excuse or a crutch. But I can’t say they haven’t changed me.
Once, I believed that there was a God. And now, I can’t.
on parenting.
21 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
Me: “Shopping around in the Kids section of Zara really makes me feel like having a daughter to dress up in pretty things.”
Jonny: “What you want is a doll.”
Me: “Oh hey, I’m sure I can manage a human child!”
hahaha, I’m inspiring confidence in nobody that I can (someday) be a competent single mom!
table manners.
21 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
If you think about it (or even if you don’t), fine dining can be an overwhelmingly intimidating experience.
In a posh restaurant – with its pristine tablecloths and its subdued, discreet goings-on – every accidental splotch of gravy you drip is as glaringly conspicuous as a neon sign and every clumsy clang of your utensil slipping off pieces of meat to collide with the tableware as resounding as a gong. Every slight misstep announces to the world your ogre ungainliness. These are the hazards attached to simply portioning up your food into manageable spoonfuls and delivering into your mouth – and they aren’t even half the story.
When we were in school, we were all made to learn the intricate etiquette of fine dining. And out of all the lectures about pairing different glasses with different beverages and matching different forks with different food, I think the only thing I retained was how counter-intuitive these “manners” are. As if the sheer volume of things to learn isn’t off-putting enough, you will be encouraged to know that to learn everything properly, you will have to sometimes fight…well, common sense.
For example, what do you do when you are given some loose rice and nothing to eat it with but a fork and a knife? It would be so much more convenient (and you’d therefore think, correct) to spoon up the rice as you would with an ordinary spoon – but no, the proper way is to flip the fork over and somehow smear the rice grains onto the back of the fork with your knife. And I don’t know about you – making I’m just lacking finesse – but it’s fucking hard to balance rice on the back of a fork when the rice isn’t soft or starchy enough to stick.
Observing table etiquette and being careful with your utensils and tableware is all very good. But that only means you don’t expose yourself to be the pedestrian louse you usually are. In your natural setting. Which is not a fine dining restaurant. That’s…the minimum standard and it hardly means you’re suddenly “good” dining company. There’s also the conversation.
I don’t know if you’ve ever reflected on the matter, but a proper sit-down lunch or dinner is one of the most…intimate activities. A situation of forced intimacy, sometimes. For two to three hours, you sit at a table fully transparent to all your dining companions. For two to three hours – roughly the duration it takes to get through your excessive seven or eight course meal – you are expected to be fully immersed in the experience, distraction free because it’s rude to check or to use your phone in the middle of a meal (actually, in the middle of any meal. But we are all guilty of breaking this rule.)
And to dine “successfully”, you will have to look engaged and be engaging – all the time choosing from a whitewashed list of topics that aren’t taboo or aren’t controversial (and I think, uncontroversial topics are, by their nature and almost by definition, some of the least interesting ones). Because for the whole of the two or three hours or however long it takes, nobody else is occupied with anything else but the food and with judging and being judged.
I hope this doesn’t make anybody overly self-conscious the next time you dine with me. Knowing is one thing, caring is quite another. And I think, with peers, the consensus can safely be assumed to be that we will not give a fuck. There is…mutual immunity from judgement, so to speak. In fact, this evening’s entry was inspired only by what I thought was a genuinely pleasurable lunch with my friends, eating good food and talking freely. An experience which, upon comparison with other dining experiences (the latest one I’ve had being the wholly extravagant welcome lunch with The Partners), I realised cannot be taken for granted.
***
That lunch was a battlefield laden with minefields, a grueling three-hour interview. For starters, I wasn’t informed that lunch would be in one of the most exclusive and expensive restaurants around and I’d gone to meet them with the impression that we were just going to pop downstairs for a bite at a casual franchise like TCC…or something.
So I certainly wasn’t dressed that morning with any particular dress code in mind – and right off the bat, I had had an opportunity to completely embarrass myself, even before our first appetizers were served. Because it turns out, the “waitresses” (who were actually “VIP managers” complete with personal name cards) were all dressed in these elegant black sheath dresses which we were all speculating were Calvin Klein dresses. And was I glad I didn’t go to lunch in jeans or what because I would’ve been outclassed by the wait staff, hahaha.
Even then, I didn’t manage to dodge the next minefield because for starters we had…fried duck tongue. And I was like fuck me sideways, I’ll be damned if I know how to eat fried duck tongue elegantly. Luckily, it seemed, nobody knew how. Like, did we use our forks? Or our chopsticks? Or our fingers??
And, finally, I’m not the best conversationalist in the best of situations. So when I had to keep a steady stream of topics for that many hours with people I’d basically talked to for the first time in my life…well, it was unnerving. But still, thankfully, I don’t think it went badly. (:
***
…Not as badly, anyway, as some other dinner I can think of but don’t feel like writing about now. Because I feel I’ve gone on too long. So hahaha, bye bye and till next time! *abrupt end*
inconsequential matters.
12 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
There is a quote from Mad Men – “I have been watching my life. It’s right there. I keep scratching at it, trying to get into it. I can’t.”
And (not to trivialize the genuine, existential crisis of a television character) I think that perfectly captures the state of my school life right now. I know I should be wrestling down a stack of readings piled high in my study, working myself into hysterics about impending exams…and I watch everybody else do that, watch them post updates about their states of anguish and despair on all sorts of social media… but I can’t say I feel any genuine panic on my part.
School is just what happens to get in the way of real life. It’s not that I dread or hate it, either. In fact, I think I rather enjoy it (and especially for the social opportunities of catching up with the friends who do go to school that it offers). It’s a pleasant enough distraction – but I can’t help feeling that it should mean something more. I did say, it feels like I am scratching at my law school life trying to be more of a participant than a passive, distant observer.
Anyway, I’ve worked myself into a right frenzy about Mad Men, right now. (It’s funny how I devote so much more enthusiasm to the inconsequential than I’d care to, the important.) When I’m done tearing through three episodes at a go, I forage about for commentaries obsessively. And quite unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find a thoroughly satisfactory forum for discussion.
None of the American blogs or sites seem to cut it – which is ironic, because it is after all, a cultural phenomenon birthed from America. But really, all the critics seem content with are unconstructive tongue-in-cheek witticisms about the show. When I think it really deserves the sort of in-depth discussion you would apply to any great Literature book. (Though, quite obviously, I am no authority on that matter.) I mean I don’t mind smart-ass jibes about bad TV shows (like Gossip Girl) because they can redeem an otherwise merit-less enterprise with humor but it annoys me when glib comments gloss over thoughtfully constructed scenes and dialogue. One time, Vulture dismissed Joan’s telling Jane off as mean-spirited jealousy – and I almost swore off the damned site. It was the most…shallow, superficial, sexist thing ever – on par with any galling act of male chauvinism the producers ever threw at us. I truly hate it when people reduce or over-simplify or simply write off feelings. The Guardian is good though and the only thing I hate about its write-ups about the show are their brevity. Because there can never be too much of a good thing.
I wish more of my (very incisive, very clever!) friends were into the show so we could all be really litty and dissect it to death, hahaha. Or maybe not. If that’s too unappealingly pretentious (it is). I just think it’s rare to have a show that is so well scripted and well acted and so thematically coherent and enlightening. More people should watch it.
nails.
02 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
I did another really exciting thing today.
… I painted my nails! And in a really uncharacteristic colour, as well. You could say it wasn’t so much painting my nails as BREAKING BOUNDARIES. I know right!!! What with queuing for tickets on Monday and interacting with my friends over the Internet yesterday, I feel like I’m really on a roll!!! So anyway, this time I chose a shimmery metallic grey colour because it reminded me of a….nebula (is that what it’s called?). Well, something from outer space anyway – or perhaps, outer space itself! Words fail me, so I have pictures!
FML. I have no idea how you model nails without it looking freaking awkward. I look like a troll grabbing at random things. I should spend more time looking at pictures of nail art over the internet. So anyway, as you can see (1) my fingers are fat and (2) my nails are now a metallic grey that matches my accessories! Oh joyous day.
…But it wasn’t easy to do! Painting the nails on your right hand with your left hand is a bitch for anybody who isn’t ambidextrous. Know what’s my special life hack trick? (Actually, it isn’t anything genius at all – it’s just the consequence of my lack of motor skills leaving with me little alternative.) Anyway, it is to just splash the paint around the nail region and then leaving it to dry and then peeling out the portions on the skin! I know, there is so much finesse involved.
See, this is what happens after step one. Also know as the colour outside of the dotted line step. It’s like I painted my nails while suffering some kind of fit.Tragic.But anyway, it is done! And that concludes my Epic Saga of the Day. More exciting things to come tomorrow! When I will wake up, go to breakfast and then catch up on my Family law!
peer into the depths of my soul. (and find little)
01 Mar 2012 2 Comments
HELLO BLOG, I think I’ve been neglecting you for long enough. (Well, not really. I secretly draft long and introspective posts but then somehow, something along the way always distracts me and I end up abandoning my meticulously composed prose for something far less romantic.)
My last foray into blogging was actually a bare-it-all expose about repression and how it has affected my life. But tonight, I think I will blog instead about all the mundane shit that has happened this past week! Because superficial things are so much fun to talk about!
***
Tonight, I am hosting a mini quiz of sorts on twitter to tap on all my clever friends’ collective brain power to solve some of life’s most profound mysteries. For example, what is the (Hokkien/ Teochew/ Malay??? Provenance: Unknown) word “zhng” when translated into English? The answers they have come with have been amusing, brilliant and totally on the nose – “pimp out” being the most accurate, given the context I provided (“Ah Beng zhnged up his Mazda with neon blue lights”)
I think Jonny’s answers, “embellished” and “jazzed up” were the funniest. Maybe I should’ve been more specific about the rules of the game – which was to translate Singlish into contemporary, everyday English. And not Shakespeare-speak or some other posh species of language.
Now, the question is: What is the English word for “jelat“? As in, “Wah biang! This fried rice is damn jelat. I cannot finish eating it”. And it’s very amusing watching it all unfold on twitter. It is also amusing that I am narrating my twitter competition on my blog, because I’m pretty sure my blog’s entire readership consists of my followers on twitter. Which makes this entire post rather superfluous from your point of view. But I’d like to remember what it is like to have friends before I lose them all when I become a bitter old bat in my old age. So indulge me please, thank you very much.
***
Also, Ivan suggested some time ago that I have a gift for making everyday life sound exciting. So, challenge accepted…I will tell you about my Monday.
On Monday, I queued for some tickets.
As some of you might know already, the AMEX gateway for pre-booking tickets to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Ball was – to put it delicately - full of shit. So my aunt dispatched me to a real life SISTIC counter to get the tickets in case the online system screwed up and we lost the tickets to the hardworking people who actually bothered to go out of their houses to try and catch The Singer of the Century (or of The Moment, anyway).
And so I woke up bright and early to go the ticket counter at Tampines One at 9.30am, so that I’d be the first in line when the counter opened at 10am. AND GUESS WHAT, there was already a line that stretched past two whole shop fronts! But what could I do? Nothing!
So I just…stood and waited and stood and waited and stood and waited…
(…this story is really putting you on edge, doesn’t it?)
And then it was 10am! But it was nowhere near my turn. SO GUESS WHAT! I used my iPhone and bought the shit off the SISTIC website! I mean, just because you are queuing in real life, doesn’t mean you ought to deprive yourself of the benefits of technology right?!! And for that moment, I felt like a fucking genius. (okay, who am I kidding. Istillfeel like the fucking king of the world). Because around me, less genius mortals were facebooking and tweeting and randomly surfing the interweb with their smartphones to kill time… and I was done! Got to virtually skip the ten people queuing in front of me to get my tickets!
And half an hour later, which is what I estimate would’ve been the time I would’ve taken to reach the counter if I’d queued the old-fashioned way (standing about on my feet and all) I checked the SISTIC website out of curiosity to see what tickets were available. AND GUESS WHAT! The Concert of All Concerts had nearly sold out! There were basically only single tickets for Category 4 and tickets for Category 1! So it’s a good thing I hadn’t waited because the variety of tickets available would’ve been so crappy by the time it’d been my turn!!!
YES, so everybody who woke up late and ended up behind me would’ve been shit out of luck if they didn’t also buy the tickets with their iphones. Y’ snooze, y’ lose, suckers!
***
And all the time, I felt like I was acting out some ad for iPhone and Singtel’s 3G Network. I can see it already: The scene opens with a line for the SISTIC counter and people are listlessly standing in line. But wait! With an iPhone and Singtel’s superior 3G network, you can now facebook and tweet and…watch porn! …If it so pleases you! You don’t have to be bored! You don’t have to be alone! There are friends on whatsapp! You could skype your dog!
And already people are impressed, and desiring whatever product you’re peddling because they are like – Yes! Those all sound like smashing ideas! I don’t ever want to have to be bored when I’m queuing for shit! And then! *LIGHTBULB MOMENT* Somebody decides she doesn’t have to queue at all! You can buy anything off the internet! The internet, that can now be brought to you wherever you are by iPhone and your reliable 3G service provider! EVEN BETTER! Now you don’t just desire the damned thing, now it is a necessity! Because time is money (and life, though people often forget to mention this)!!!
So people go out and buy iPhones and get subscriptions to data plans.
***
Yes, I didn’t say it was a *good* ad, did I???
law school.
08 Feb 2012 1 Comment
Every new semester, I wonder how I ever got through the last.
It’s so easy to get snowed under by all the readings and all the cases – loosen up for one weekend and you have dropped the ball. And it’s so impossible to do the tutorials without having done the readings. And these days, unfortunately, the textbook may as well be a roll of toilet paper – everything you need to know is somewhere else. And I don’t know why nobody has thought to compile everything important in a casebook yet. And between manually sourcing out the material and actually getting down to reading them, I think if you want to stay on top of your work, you’ll have to spend all your free time working.
…And, well, whatever.
I keep telling myself that these are the best days of our lives and are too precious to waste on school.
